SEATTLE POST TIMES
For all the news you need to get.
In North Seattle today there was a reported explosion, and a group, Jaguar Liberation, has claimed responsibility. The company that was attacked suffered only minimal casualties, though at the time of this reporting it has come to us that Dalia Scintil and Mark Smith were both killed in the attack. We offer our condolences to those who survive them.
Ork Civil Rights Leader Assassinated!
Earlier today, Ork civil rights leader Johann Gunther was killed today in Seattle, apparently on his way to a clandestine meeting with civil authorities to help smooth out some of the current wrinkles in what some people are calling “The Ork Problem.”
“The Underground is just crawling with them, living in squalor down there. My granny used to tell me about when the Underground was a fine thing to visit, but now it’s just full of orks squatting. When’re we going to deal with this problem in our city, that’s what I want to know!”
-Maurice Walters, Sanitation Worker
Fire in SODO
A fire broke out after what was apparently a smash and grab style robbery on Integrated Components, Inc, on SODO. While the business is insured, the contract they had recently landed with Ares- kept on the secret until now- has fallen through.
Man Eats Himself to Death!
A man- Justin Pierce- somehow ate himself to death in a Taco Shack in northern Seattle today. According to Witnesses, he came in about 3pm and started stuffing food into himself. Though plenty of people remember him eating, nobody thought to stop him.
“Look, man, we get trolls in here with cybergear up the wazoo, and they eat like it’s going out of style, so lay off, okay? I thought- everybody thought the guy knew what he was doing!”
-Kevin Jan, Taco Shack employee
Witnesses reported that Mr. Pierce fell over, comatose, at about 5pm. Ambulances were dispatched, and found that Mr. Pierce was suffering from a burst stomach. Despite the prompt and timely help in the matter, Mr. Pierce died en route to the hospital, and police are investigating the matter.